Sunday, January 27, 2008

Essentials continued...

A few other gems I'm working:

1) A vibrator massager. Geesh get your head out of the gutter! A massager-for your neck. (Though you may need that kind of vibe too-see previous post) You will spend so much time hunched over...sticking your nipple into baby's mouth is hard on your posture. Cuddling baby close and willing him to shut up is also bad on your posture. Balancing baby who has little neck control in one arm while you pour a strong drink with the other-ditto.

2) Confidence-or a confident "I don't give a shit" act you can put on. I had to breastfeed baby at a cool downtown restaurant whilst lunching with my visiting mom the other day. Then I had to change baby in their changetable deficient, ultra-sleek, tiled and air-conditioned ladies room on the slim ledge of their marble one-piece sink. His poopy had seeped through his outfit and onto my "Look! I'm-still- fresh- and- cool- even- though- I- just- had- a- baby- outfit". It smelled. Baby was hard to balance while washing him down and reaching the diaper bag on the floor. He was cold and crying. And fancy, tight- jeans- wearing ladies were going in and out and giving me "the look". I used to give ladies with babies the look. Sigh. So strap on your "Fuck you" face. Make your eyes say: "I have a baby and a loving husband, jealous?" I mean, obviously all those young "look" throwers are members of lavalife and suffering from"why didn't he call me? syndrome, right? Right. Be confident in your venturing out with baby-you deserve to be there too. And if you can't do that, just eat at Applebees and don't whine about it.

3) Strong strong mints. Keep 'em on the bedside table, in the nursery, and scattered around your house...you will not have time to brush your teeth. Actually...you will have time if your baby is relatively happy in a swing or whatever. But trust me, you will choose checking emails, sitting on the couch comatose, watching reruns on TLC, painting your toenails (for necessary mommy and me yoga) or other luxury things... like eating a piece of bread (your only meal of the day) or finally sipping your cold coffee. Chalk your bad breath up to natural pheromones for baby to recognize you by. And really, it's not like you'll be kissing anyone. I actually mumbled "only if I can just lie here" in response to my husband's ferocious gropings last night. And he was ok with that. Cheers!

My birthday is tomorrow and I am not mentioning it on purpose in that devious game-playing woman's way. Will Hubby pull out all the stops or even remember? Hubby has not bought me anything before when we were poor. But in those times I've maintained that I need a little celebratory action regardless of price: a card...a chocolate...a balloon-anything. But I have little faith he will do anything but say "Happy Birthday. honey" this year. (scorn, scorn, scorn)

Honestly- I never used to be like this. I'm struggling with this whole resentment thing I'm feeling. Hubby actually spends a few soothing minutes reading before bed while I rock crying baby, or feed for the 4th time in two hours, or try shoving gripe water down baby's throat. Ok, he is very helpful usually-but it's true that the work just always falls to the woman. And if you are arguing right now that I asked for this and he goes to work all day to earn money so I can stay home-LA-LA-LA I'm not listening! The devil/angel argument is playing in my head. Angel: "Oh don't worry about it-your birthday is not important in the scheme of things right now". Devil: "You already bought the jerk his first 'to daddy' birthday card for his upcoming birthday, with the express notion of really showing him up when he forgets your birthday tomorrow. So enjoy"

Maybe mothering brings out the innate,conniving bitch in you. Hmmm...that would explain my mother-in-law.

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