Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Essentials for new moms no one told you about

I'm a new mom. (Haven't really said that out loud yet either!) Any new mom knows how annoying it is to get advice from EVERYONE all the time. But here is my two cents: the essential things you will really need that no one will tell you about.

1) Strong perfume and deodorant. You will stink. You won't be showering and breast milk, like cow milk, goes sour. Especially when it's vomited up. Give yourself a good dousing before your childless friends visit. You know, the ones you want to keep so you don't feel like your whole world became about a baby...a talking in third person world where poop is the main topic of discussion? Trust girlfriend... in their heads they are this close to picturing you in mom-jeans.

2) A husband who makes good money. Or a "partner". Or a lover. A sugar-daddy is basically what I'm talking about. So that you can do "mommy and baby" yoga and become all zen and unworried about things like, oh...the fact that the baby costs at least 20 bucks a week in diapers. That's 1000 bucks a year. Saying good-bye Grande, non-fat lattes? That is just too damn depressing. You need to have the baby and the fucking latte too. You deserve to be a yuppy-yummy mummy just like that bitch you used to see wearing her Lululemons being all skinny and smug at the Starbucks with the newborn, when you were pregnant and F-A-T and miserable. It's your turn. And if you can't be all skinny and smug right now, no worries. No one is perfect. But as long as you got the money, honey, wear your lulus, buy the latte and be smug at the very least.

3) An orgasm. You heard me right. You might think you don't need that right now, but come on! You are still a woman, right? Your boobs are at the biggest and fullest they will probably ever be. And the milk dribbling down your stomach? Hot. Actually, there's lots of net porn dedicated to that very thing. Have a look. It'll make you feel sexier. Then take a look in the mirror, put a leg up and go to town. You will definitely be zen afterwards...and then you can screw mommy and me yoga.

1 comment:

blogthecat said...

You rock, complainy pants! What a great post. I'd go on but I gotta go get me a sugar daddy, or an orgasm, or both. Keep at 'er.

k.