It's me. New Mommy? God, is your name Jenny Craig? And can you help me lose the last 10 lbs and fit my sexy jeans in one week?
My glamorous, tall, red-headed best friend just announced she'll be here in one week for a visit! Yay! and Fuck! all in the same exclamation. One week is not long enough for me to get my shit together. How am I supposed to make motherhood look like it didn't change me, like I lost all the weight naturally ("seriously the pounds just slid off!"), like I still am hot enough to be sex on heels, in one week? I don't even know where my high heels are; they are probably crunchy with dust in the back of my closet and have been since month 4 of pregnancy. Oh sure you say-she'll understand. Who cares? I don't want her to have to understand. Look, one shouldn't care what others think and you might say-especially a friend! But, eff off, I am not perfect and I do care. I don't want to meet up for a sophisticated coffee downtown and look like her "frumpy friend". She'll be all glossy and cashmere, so sue me if I would rather not be sour milk and zippered nursing shirt. Give me diamonds! Give me classy! Give me a a couple of hours where my son won't cry and make me sweat and leak breast milk! Give me an AMEN!
Somewhere out there, someone is listening to my prayer. And somehow between now and March 7th I will find a pair of sexy jeans sans elastic, a pair of sexy boots that I can push my stroller in and not drop my baby à la Britney, and a rockin' hair cut that doesn't scream "mom". And when my friend has her first baby-I will be smiling during that first visit. 'Cause I'll know I was the best motivation she could find to get off her ass, stop watching "A Baby Story" on TLC, and look good for once.