Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Hey BABY come here often?


Does anyone have a good pick up line for new moms? Look, I don't want to have sex with a post-partum crack-pot, I just want to be her friend. What? You think that makes me sound like a post-partum crack-pot? (Silence....cue crickets) Yeah ok, I'll take that.

But seriously, finding new mommy friends is like dating and I'm starting to feel a little too masculine here. Whenever I find a cute new mommy, looking fine in her pre-mom jeans, swept up ponytail and eyes shining bright, I just can't help myself. I am turned on by a new mommy who looks better than me! I mean, why stoop below when I can reach for the stars? The right "girlfriend" is only gonna make me look better.

Growing up I was always that girl with many guy-friends and few girlfriends. To be honest, having girlfriends was too much work. With guys I could just flirt my way to friendship; put out a couple of times, not care if they called, teach them about the clitoris so they could impress their girlfriends and learn the rhythm riffs on the guitar so they could rock out a solo. Really-surrounded by boys I was a goddess of knowledge into the secret world of women, a laid back vixen that everyone wants, but wouldn't have, for fear of "ruining the friendship". That little bit of sexual tension always made it easy to get along, you know? With girls...well-there was just too much competition. Well... As an adult I've learned through many slap-my-forehead-the-next-morning, "what-did-I-say/do/scream/sing" moments post rollicking party, that some women have similar senses of humour to mine. (That is-when I remembered it was them standing beside me on top of that bar after-all!) And so I finally have a choice number of cool girlfriends. Problem: they have no kids.

It's time to have girlfriends with babies so, I dunno, we can wax poetic about shit and vomit together and, well, maybe trade off babysitting. (Ok that's the real reason). But every time I see a drool-worthy mommy I get all nervous. I fall into stereotypes and lame one-liners: "How old is your baby?" and "Wow that's a great stroller!" This is hard for me especially because I am sooo in the know-chances are the thing I'm admiring and acting all in awe of is something I saw online and read about months ago. So how come I get all phony?

Case in point: today I approached a hot blonde strolling the infant boys designer section at a local baby store. I struck up a convo and for the first time got past the pleasantries to actually talk some real sense about motherhood. "Does it get easier?" No, to be honest I told her, it doesn't. We chatted and I was struck by her beautiful white teeth, her rosy skin and her trés chic knit hat that matched her shrug sweater and suede high heels. Yes, she was wearing high heels and her baby was only 3 weeks old! She also had a cool, hip stroller and obviously a rich husband judging by the size of her engagement ring. I thought: I NEED this woman in my workout-pants life! But I choked...I walked away without sealing the deal. I didn't get her digits.

Now I will always wonder if she was the one that got away. I'll always ask "what if" when I see other mom-couples pushing strollers, sipping lattes and giggling at the poorly-dressed people around them. What if she was my better half? I'm hot for mommy and I've no way to scratch my itch. Is there a lavalife for new moms? I can see my profile now
"New mom with intact vagina after caesarian childbirth seeks same (no judgments from you natural hos) for bitching, moaning, and complaining, walks in the sunshine, help in justifying new purchases and support when obviously doing everything wrong in raising kids. Will teach your adolescent son the coolest retro guitar riffs and take care of the birds and the bees talk too...your future daughter-in-law will thank you for being my friend!!!"

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