Wednesday, February 27, 2008

THANK YOU !!! (take 436)

If this was a movie shoot of my life, this scene would have taken thousands of takes by now.
The scene: Grocery Store meat aisle
The characters: Me (new mom); Store clerk in coordinating store colors polo shirt, black pants, fat ass and glasses; Old Lady with silver hair, colorful floral blouse, black panty-hose, orthopedic sneakers and tan raglan; Innocent Bystander (Male); Crying Baby with red face, spittle on cheek.
The props: Stroller and accoutrement, slab of pork tenderloin in Styrofoam.

Enter New Mom pushing stroller with Crying Baby. Stops to examine pork tenderloin, picking up a package. Enter Clerk, right, gingerly poking head in at Crying Baby in stroller.
Clerk: Awwwww, someone is not happy!
New Mom: (Shrugging) Yeah. He's not happy.
Crying Baby: (Wails.)
Clerk: How old is he?
New Mom: (with a fake smile) he's 3 months.
Enter Old Lady, right, joining Clerk by sticking face into stroller at Crying Baby.
Crying Baby: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Choke, Sputter, Cough,) WAHHHH!
Old Lady: (Asking no one in particular) He's so sad, hey?
Clerk: (Enthusiastically) Oh yes, he says "I'm hungry mom! Feed me. (in baby talk:) I'm hungry!"
New Mom: (without making eye contact, grabs stroller handle as if to go, squeezing pork tenderloin in the other, and says through gritted teeth:) He's not hungry.
Old Lady: (grabs new mom by the elbow to prevent her from leaving, in a baby talk voice:) Don't you have a soother or something he could at least suck on???
New Mom pushes stroller and shrugs Old Lady's hand off arm, Old Lady huffs and responds: Don't believe in those hey?

New Mom angrily marches off, thinking of the pacifier attached to his shirt. Stops, looks lovingly at Crying Baby and says loudly: I know honey, life sucks!!!
Innocent Bystander Male: (Wide eyed, laughs nervously. Seems afraid for Crying Baby.)
New Mom sees the judgment in Innocent Bystander's eyes, leans back and tosses pork tenderloin at his head, hitting him squarely between the eyes.

Ok, that last part didn't happen...but it sure would have made me feel better.

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