Friday, February 15, 2008

Who let Debbie Downer write on this blog?

I'm terrified. I think my baby son is what the "experts" refer to as "high needs". He cries inconsolably for at least, AT LEAST and hour every day. He never wakes up happy. He won't sleep at night unless he is on my shoulder and if we put him down he cries within 5 minutes. He won't stay in his stroller for more than 20 mins. without screaming. I don't know (shrugging my shoulders here). It's not really bothering me at this point, (I finished my grocery shopping today amidst scorn and stares at my wailing/sputtering baby with my fuck-you smile on) and I'm not on the edge of anything psychotic. I remind myself all the time that he was 6 weeks early and is just still learning to be in the world. But it terrifies me because I don't want to have that kid.

I don't want my little boy to cling to mommy. I don't want him to whine or cry around new people, hiding behind my leg. I am too fun and flirty and ready to rock and roll to have a kid like that. It would be so unlike me. And really scary to think how much it would change me because I know already how you really would do anything for this little person. It's hitting me for the first time how you don't just have a baby-you have a person. And that person has their own personality. And I'm wondering just how much influence us parents really have in shaping who they become. It's scary and exciting too I guess...to watch him grow and see if my husband and I do a good job. Oh dear. Please let me do a good job. In some ways that makes me REALLY want to go back to work-at least there I know I do a damn fine job.

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