Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Dos and Don'ts


I remember years ago I used to read a magasine, I think it was Glamour, that had a page of fashion Dos and Don'ts on the back cover. It would show the offending parties with that black bar over their eyes to shield the poor fugly soul from mocking and laughter should they be recognized. Of course, if you dressed that badly...and sometimes the "don'ts" involved things like plumber's butt g-strings and women who sausaged themselves into spandex...chances are your friends were already mocking you behind your back. No doubt they could recognize, say, your "gunt" spread across the back page of a national magasine-and now their pal in Utah could visually reference the jokes they'd been making about "this girl they knew". Well I always salivated at these Dos and Don'ts, but as you can guess, wondered why anyone in their right mind would sign a release for Glamour if they were approached, knowing this page existed.

Today I had to stop and feed my screaming baby at the little deli counter/cafe at the supermarket. I've always noticed it was packed as I walked by on my way in, but never really took note of exactly who frequented this high class joint. There is something inherently low class about the coffee served from a thermos unit on a grocery store deli counter, no? And there is a lovely Starbucks with comfy chairs just downstairs! Well today I hung out, with my boob out no less, with the Grocery Cafe regulars. Let's see...there were 3 tables of old people, divided into different categories: The scooter/disabled crew, The Church crew, and the men. As baby ate I eavesdropped on the scintillating conversations happening and ended up with this senior-set's version of Dos and Don'ts. The scooter crew (including 2 scooters, 3 walkers, 1 oxygen rolling tank and a few of those personal grocery rolling bags) were crooning about the rainy weather and as "Maude" (real name withheld) got up to go she put on her clear rain cap. Oh I had forgotten about those! The ones that tie under your chin? The ladies tut-tutted. "Maude!" They said "Couldn't you do with an umbrella? You don't really wear those do you?"

"Oh no" Maude said "It's either this or a shower cap!" To which the other nodded and mumbled about to one another. It seems that although the clear rain-cap is "uncool", they have all succumbed to wearing the shower cap out in public. "Of course," Maude explained further "It depends on what design shower cap I had at the moment! If there are flowers on it-well!" And another scooter driver piped up: "Oh flowers are ok! It just depends on the colors of the flowers!" All the ladies chuckled and nodded at this too. At this Maude trotted off and as she was leaving one of the old biddies got in a final laugh: "You make sure you go straight home now Maude!" And the table roared-as if Maude might be naughty and stop by her boyfriend's on the way? I can see the page in "Senior's Glamour" now, a plethora of old ladies in shower caps and raglans out and about on a rainy day...those with loud designs all wearing the embarrassing black eye bar-destined for mockery at the next grocery store meet up. Or worse, hushed whispers as she approaches the table as one old biddy hides the copy of the magasine under her tasteful shower cap lying on the table.

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