Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Post-post-partum?

Today I lay on my couch when baby boy finally fell asleep for a mid-day nap that started out as a mid-morning nap...and I just lay there. I tried to go to sleep, knowing I probably really needed it. Baby boy hasn't been sleeping well since our return from our trip home. All our good work and routine we set before I left is gone to shit. Anyway, my mind was racing. I felt so on edge. I tossed. I turned. I thought I heard him and jumped up, then lay back down. I thought about how hard it was putting him to bed last night when he screamed for 2 hours straight. I remembered that that is when parents end up shaking their kids, so I panicked and wanted to go in and cuddle him. I shook my head to clear those cobwebs! I looked longingly out the window and thought of nothing. I felt like I should have been longing for something! That made me feel worse-this guilt in my heart like "I should be yearning for my freedom, the ability to just get up and go, have great makeup and sexy heels and just go out-my old life." I thought about missing my job. But I couldn't actually feel it. Instead I just felt empty. Like...too tired to bother. I drooled. I sighed. I sighed some more. I realized I had no friends to call, no one to see, no one who understood. Was this what post-partum was like? Did I have the 5 month baby blues?

Last night when I laid my head on my pillow I felt exactly the same way. My mind was going a mile a minute. Last week our good friends' father died. It made me think of my MIL and the horrible relationship we have. I blamed myself and worried she was going to die and my husband would hate me forever (not even possible!). Then my mind jumped and I compiled a list of things I will need for next month when my baby boy starts eating solids. I mentally compared pricing from different stores for the same items and tallied my purchases. My girlfriend's bridal shower is this weekend coming and she refuses to register anywhere-believing she doesn't want presents. I think she is foolish. So I visually registered for her. I went around the department store "ding-ing" everything with that bar code gun that I wish I had thought of asking for when I got married. Special things I would never spend the money on myself. It was a long list. In case you are interested, I'm posting the list soon. It was a good one.

Gladly, before I really fell into the depths of apathetic despair (is that even possible?) baby boy woke up from his nap. (Never thought I'd rejoice at that!). I threw him into the stroller and got myself outta here, stat, figuring the need for laundry detergent was enough of a reason to get out. I hit up Starbucks and decided I deserved to sit and sip for once-baby boy actually fell asleep on the walk there. Not long after I was sitting, still feeling slightly melancholy, in strolled a mommy I met at a mommy's group. She was with her mother. While her mom bought their coffees she rushed over and sat down, and hissed "If she asks, we had a coffee together here yesterday! Please?!?!" HAHAHA! I hardly know her! My kind of girl. I heartily agreed and my mood lifted immediately. Obviously her mother was driving her crazy and I felt all of a sudden there was a kindred spirit. And, it was an acting challenge-look! a glimpse into my old life just like that! After our 1/2 hour coffee chat, I left to pick up the laundry detergent and ran into a mommy from my old "mommy and baby yoga" class. Or as I used to call it "other mommies do yoga, and I do colic, baby" class. So within 2 hours of feeling sorry for myself I now had two new friends in my neighborhood to call upon for walks and coffees. Life is funny like that, hey?

Tonight when my MIL called I actually picked up. We chatted. I think I might be manic.

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