Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Day 6

And I'm still crying. Oh...did I say "I". Haha, silly me, I meant baby. Ok, I admit, we've both been crying. See there is lots to learn a a new mom and one thing I'm learning right now is that there is something uncontrollable and hormonal about the whole "mommy guilt" thing. I always just assumed that mommies who were too soft and not living in the real world were the ones to feel so guilty over a spilled milkshake. And now, here I am bawling like, well, my baby. You see, he has the softest cheeks. And when they are stained with tears and he looks up at me as if to say "mommy please don't abandon me, because I don't want to live in a cardboard box on the street where my only friend is a mangy cross breed and a hash pipe" my heart just leaps into overdrive. It's very hard to walk away...to not pick him up...it really makes you feel like if the little boy was really judging you, you'd be getting no gold stars. And have I mentioned I'm competitive? Yeah, I'm competing with myself apparently to be a better mom.

A couple of glitches we are still working out include: if I get in the shower when he stops crying, but I get out and he has started again...how do I know if I should go in? The whole 10 minute interval is sort of difficult to gage if I took a luxurious 25 minute shower. He could have been crying the whole time. I did however get both legs and armpits shaved, so I'm trying to balance how much it was worth it with my guilt. I ran into him, dripping wet, fearing he had freaked out so much and so long he would be choking, or had wriggled his head into a spot he can't wriggle out of. (Don't worry I know enough not to, GASP, put anything in his crib, like a god forsaken teddy bear or anything-since he could suffocate on teddy's paw!) But alas...he was just crying. I picked him up, nursed him and he calmed down. We played for like, 20 minutes at which point he got so crabby and started rubbing his eyes all over me. Evidently I hit the panic button a little too early and should not have "rescued" him from his nap. So now I ruined today's schedule and pattern.

Having said all that, the whole cry it out thing is really working for us. He is sleeping much better and taking longer naps in the mornings. I just have to hit myself over my new soft head and snap out of it. I do sneak in after he stops crying and goes to sleep though just to look at his peaceful little face and touch his cheek. Yeah, that's when the tears come.

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