Wednesday, July 16, 2008

This should be a monologue

After what seemed like a day that would never end...running around, making it to appointments here, being late for mommies' group there, searching for daycare everywhere, I ended up at the grocery store. I had to grab something soft to eat (I just had gum surgery-don't ask, its a whole other post), something different for my husband to eat, and something to serve the actors coming to my place for rehearsal...who'd be there in less than two hours. I had to get baby boy home, fed, washed, to bed. Oh yeah, and I smelled-so me washed and fed too. (That whole sweaty-you'll-smell-after-baby thing I said before? Yeah, it's not going away. And it's hot outside to boot.) OK...before you get all high and mighty on my ass, no I didn't have to do ALL of these things, but you know what, I felt I did, and that's enough.

So here we are at the grocery store and I realize trés suddenly that I hadn't peed since 9 am. It was 4:30. It's hot outside and I'd been drinking a lot of liquids. But with baby I always seem to let this slide for me. Its like, if I was on a program about de-cluttering your life and was asked "what do you do to lessen your daily burdens and find more time in your day?" I'd have to say going to the bathroom. I just don't. But all of a sudden I did. Need to. Quickly. So off we go to the grocery store washroom where bums go for their weekly washes and drunks crack their newly stolen bottle from the the liquor store next door, etc. Nice. While I hovered and felt the sweet release, it dawned on me that baby boy probably hadn't changed his diaper since, oh, hmmmm, 4 hours prior? Ok, ok, I hadn't changed is diaper. (Damn I wish I could teach him to do it!....can you?) So that was the next step. And then...

Then I realized if I changed his diaper that long ago he probably hadn't eaten in that long either. And it was a hot day. We were in the sun a lot. He looked parched. Man, insert life-long-guilt-here. Don't call CPS though, ok? He was alive...

So thinking about the logistics of getting the items I needed, lining up and paying, getting back into the car, loading up the car, getting home and THEN feeding him...it all seemed too far off. So I fed him. Standing up in the grocery store bathroom. "People" (bums I'm sure) kept trying the door. My baby drank like he'd never stop... and I thought he looked so happy and peaceful and contented I could almost ignore the fluttering, buzzing overhead light and the stained tile walls. Actually, he started to drift off to slumber land in a milk-induced coma. Then the easily ignorable overhead musak being piped in was rudely interrupted by an annoying, announcer-esque, sickly-sweet lady voice telling you why this grocery store had the freshest and best, punctuated a disturbingly catchy jingle. AWAKE!

But for a moment there, I found zen in a disgusting public washroom: looking into my baby's sweet face. Holding him, feeling how big he'd gotten, just being in the moment (actually finding a moment in our rushed and hectic day)...to all the people (ahem, my Mother-in-law) who keep asking me "Are you STILL breastfeeding?" You can give it up. Because I am not.

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