Saturday, August 30, 2008

Post script

"No...he isn't too hot. Funny you find it extremely hot in here, because I don't. And after caring for him for the last 9 months I've discovered that he loses all of his heat through his head. Especially when he is sleeping. Hence the hat. He looks cozy to me. And happy. Actually I don;t have to explain myself to you. Trust me, lady...if he was hot-he'd take the damn hat off himself. You know what? I am sick to death of people talking in passive-aggressive, schmoopie voices through my baby. If you have something to say to me; some judgment to pass on my ability as his parent, then say it to me directly. Or else I might have to start giving you a spoonful of your own medicine. Hmmm here goes: Hiiii little widdle fat belly! How are you! Oh you are so precious-wecious! You are soooo big! What is your mama feeding you? Ohhhh too much disgusting fast food? Awwww. Tell your mama that candy bar in her hands is not good for you! No, no...no, no it's not, is it baby-waby, tub-a-lard?"

Yogic visualisation for stupid idiots

Okaaaay then. Welcome. Let's begin our practice today with a short visualisation. A short journey of the mind to bring us to a new understanding-a new place of peace and calm within. Take a deeeeep breath in. Gooooood. And release through your mouth...slowwwwwly...goo-ood. Now think back for a moment. Think waaaay back to when you were younger. Think back to when you had your own wee children. Your children were maybe 6 months, or 9 months, or 1 or 2...remember for a second how you felt when they were that age. Picture yourself holding your child. It is 5 pm. Your baby has been napping. But, alas you have not. Its been days, weeks, months or even a long year since you've slept. Reeeeeally slept.

Take a moment with this memory. Breathe in here and let that weight of your fatigue find your shoulders. Let them slump forward in the rounded, hunchback pose. Nice. Breathe. Breathe in again and bring your fingertips to your temples. Let the fingers knead the temples now to release some aching pressure. Remember what it feels like to have a constant, dull headache fogging up your brain. Good. Let the stabbing pain in your left hip re-visit the joint. This is where you carry your child every day...you know you should switch hips, but you have a bad habit of choosing the left. You are right-handed after all. Let that pain now slide down your leg and tingle the arches of your feet. You've been on your feet for as long as your child has been alive. Breathe in. And out. Yesssssssss.

Now, remember how it felt to not care about these pangs and twitches. About the lack of sleep. Remember how you were determined to do it anyways, to persevere...to do everything in your power to nurture your baby, at whatever expense to your well being. Let the next breath come in the form of a sigh. Nice. Good. Remember the weight of that baby on your hip, warm and snuggly after his nap. Breathe in the scent of your baby's hair. Be in that moment. Perhaps you are waiting for the street light to change. Perhaps you are in a line up at the grocery store. Perhaps you are at the post office sending gifts to your husbands family because no matter what you are going through nothing you do is ever good enough. *cough. ahem. Sorry. Breathe innnnnnn. That's it.

Stay on your mind's journey, reach out from hunchback pose and lengthen your arms around you in a "personal space" movement. Notice the people around you in your memory. The old lady with whiskers. The old man speaking Italian in a sweater vest. The young man who stinks of BO. The other young mommy with a stroller. If any of these people were to suddenly reach out with a sharpened pencil and stab your eye...would you appreciate it? Even if it took away the aching pain in your brain...would you appreciate it? No? That's innnnnteresting. Breathe in, and on that breath, remember then how you would feel if one of those strangers suddenly spewed unsolicited advice your way. Would you like it?

Breathe out...you now have put yourself in my shoes. Nice. Gooooood. Relax the mind. Remember how awful it felt to be given advice. When you knew you were doing your absolute best. When you knew you were probably not perfect, but you were trying so hard to be. When for just a moment you were enjoying a peaceful and cuddly moment with your baby-one of so few these days...even if it was in a crowded elevator. How much did your skin burn, did your head spin, did your eyes and tongue sting when some stranger presumed to know more about your child than you. And then took their time to patronize you and undermine your entire new life's meaning?

Let these feelings of sadness and anger and frustration peel you back into standing "en-garde" pose. Let yourself remember those feelings next time you want to open your mouth and tell some young mother what she SHOULD be doing...you stupid idiot.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

We're baaaa-aack!

So we've returned from the abyss-aka: home visiting our parents. All in all I would say, in retrospect, it was the best trip we've had home in a long time. Oh, there were moments. But mostly the focus was on baby boy and how awesome-y awesome he is...and so things were tolerable, because I think that of him too. But I have to admit: I am exhausted. It's not the lack of sleep I get at night, though I'm sure that doesn't help. Its just how busy we are during the day and how grumpy my son can be and how demanding the little frigger is! Honestly...I'm living with a mini dictator. He has just started to show me a "Tantrum-face"...no I did not say "tantra". My baby is not blissed out zen style or having orgasms that last 12 hours. He is freaking out. When he is upset he puts his fists up and squints his little eys and screws up his lips and starts doing this shaking. Almost like a vibration. Or a mini volcano about to erupt. I usually end up giving him my keys, or my points card or whatever it is he wants. And the thing is...well, I keep telling myself I won't be THAT parent. That parent that gives in to the child every time they want something just to "shut them up". That parent that negotiates with the child, ie "Just 5 more minutes in the lineup and then we'll go to the park, okkkkaaaay?". That parent, namely my mom, irritates the shit out of me. I was a spoiled brat and I was hell for my mom and I knew it. But she created the monster :)

Now the other day I gave baby boy my cell phone-ooooH! His favorite! And went about pushing my cart serenely because of it at the grocery store. About 10 minutes later I was struck with the idea that too much spittle on my phone may make it not work...so I grabbed it back and did a quick bait and switch to distract him. It worked! yaya! Not 2 minutes later I was holding him and saw his sort of chewing on something..."Hmmm did you throw up honey?" I'm asking him-you know, maybe he had a little bomit (a burp/vomit) and was enjoying the flavors of his last meal for a second time around. Been there, done that, don't look so disgusted! Except I glimpse a shot of silver being pushed around by his lightning quick tongue.

"What the heck-?" I quickly tried to dig my finger in there to do a finger sweep as I was trained in my baby choking class...but baby boy wanted whatever it was in there to stay in there and he clamped shut. Step two of baby choking training (even though he wasn't even choking at this point!) is too turn them over and slap them on the back...so I improvised. I turned him over, and bounced him on my knees until he laughed and voilĂ ! The tip of the antennae of my cell phone pooped out and onto the floor. As soon as baby boy realized his beloved chewie thing was gone he began to throw a mini-tantrum. But-pat on the back here-I know when to draw the line at least! I didn't give back the baby-choking-hazard-death-trap-because-I'm-a-terrible-mom-and-let-him-chew-something-completely-unsafe piece of metal! YAY for me! I'm learning!

I will eventually remember the blocked memories from our trip home and certainly, no doubt have some precious gems and words of non-wisdom from my MIL to post. Until then!