Monday, April 6, 2009

Not hypothetical

Q: If a turd falls in the living room, but there is no one around to see it, does it make a mess?

What if said turd falls, another one follows and sticks to baby's butt? Then, what if baby steps in the turd that fell, smushes his toes all around in it, and starts to walk away? What if baby leaves a trail of smushed poo, like a peg-leg Hansel, step-turd, step-clean, all over the living room rug and onto the laminate floor? What if your laminate floor is dark colored and baby decides to pee as well on it, only with the light casting a certain way you fail to see said pee, so that when you kneel down to wipe the poo, you put your hand in the pee?

Does it leave a mess?

Honestly, what would you clean first? The carpet? The floor? The baby's bum or foot? And just so you know, I turned my head for ONE SECOND after I took him outta the bath to put his towel in the laundry. He was as pleased as punch with himself and not bothered at all by the poo between his toes or hanging off his a**.

What a life, hey? Wouldn't it be grand if we could just go wherever we were? No worries about finding a bathroom, having cramps, letting stinky gas go...just let it fly. You could be in meetings..."Oh sorry Jim, one sec here, GGGRRRRRRRRR! Ok, what was that you were saying about the Mercer aquisition?". Awesome.

Here is how I handled this: Take baby's hand, hold him in one place (though he is squirming to be let go and run naked and free some more) and wipe foot with a wipe. Then, while holding his hand pull him around the living room while I squirt a pre-treatment solution on the rug. A lot of solution. Then walk him into the bedroom to get a washcloth, go wet washcloth while still pulling him by the hand. Oh yeah, he is screaming now. But I can't pick him up you see...since he still has that hanging turd. Up on the changetable. Clean his butt. Clean his toes thoroughly. Get fresh diaper ready. THEN HE STARTS TO PEE. ALL OVER ME. Thank my son for his kindness. Get the diaper on quickly. Put him in his crib to keep him from the mess. He screams. I go back to living room and start the blotting and cleaning process. Yuck. Lean down to wipe up laminate with bleach solution. Put hand in pee. Go wash hand. Take off all of my pee soaked, pooped clothing and put on clean jammies. Go pick up screaming, red-faced son. Soothe him. Rock him. Nurse him. Read books. Put him to bed.

Curse the day his father was born. And the fact that he is working late...once again. For the 20 millionth time in a row.

A: Until you've cleaned shit from a shag, you just ain't lived as a parent. And yes...its quite a mess.


djbeat said...

omg - hysterical!or is that hysteria?? just read it out loud to bb daddy - ew.

Stacy Kaye said...

EVEN FUNNIER THIS TIME AROUND!!! SERIOUSLY! I know it was NOT fun at the moment but man, what a story. It's even better that it is now written down for baby boy to some day read and be embarassed by. HA, HA HA! Man, I love your writing. It's awesome.